


Walking Through Hell

by asongincomplete



Category: Holby City
Genre: Angst, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-22
Updated: 2016-11-22
Packaged: 2018-09-01 12:42:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8624875
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asongincomplete/pseuds/asongincomplete
Summary: Bernie arrives back at Holby, nervous but hopeful, only to be met with a chilly reception from Serena.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I am so sorry for this. It's exactly what I hope won't happen tonight, but you know how it is when a story refuses to go unwritten.

Bernie parked her car and stared up at Holby much the same way she had her first day as a locum. Then it had been the trepidation of a new environment, of a very civilian environment, that kept her in her car. Today wasn’t much different though she now knew not only the hospital but the people in it, but she had no idea what would be waiting for her when she finally stepped through the double doors. 

She was nervous, with good reason and exhausted beyond any telling of it. She’d arrived at her empty rather dusty flat forty-eight hours ago, already so exhausted from the flight and the weeks away, but she didn’t sleep. Much like her time in Kiev sleep eluded her at every turn. She’d done her very best while there to lock her heart away, Holby, her children, Serena…all neatly put away so she could focus on her work. It worked a treat during the day, allowing her to put all her energies into the trauma unit. She was the first one in and the last to go home. It became an office joke to say hello to Bernie with, “Did you actually sleep this time?” Bernie would try to smile and replied with an almost nonchalant, “More than I need to.” Of course it was a lie, she never got more than four hours or so of sleep. It should have been fine, she’d gone on the same amount of sleep before in the army, but it wasn’t the lack of sleep that left her cranky and sad, but the dreams. Every night her dreams would be full of Serena’s face, of that horrible hurt expression Bernie had walked away from. Every morning Bernie had run from the memory of it, but that was no longer an option. She was here and Serena was in there, her best friend, her co-lead, her partner in crime, the woman she…damn it she couldn’t even admit it to herself. The woman she…

“Come on, Bernie, it’s now or never, if you can’t say out here you might as well pack it in.” She took a breath, “Serena Campbell, the woman I…l-love.” 

She smiled and left the car and crossed the parking lot on the surge of happiness that saying it out loud had brought. Walking through the doors feels almost like every other homecoming she’s ever had, equal parts excitement and dread. She stopped at Pulse like she usually did on her way into work, needing both the extra few minutes to gather herself and the caffeine, today she felt both keenly. She bought an extra-large coffee and another smaller one black no sugar. 

She walked into AAU with as much confidence as she could muster, and was met with the familiar chaos and noise. The doors clicking shut freeze her on the spot and she felt the last bit of that excitement fade and the exhaustion creep back in. Bernie let herself feel it fully for a second, then took a sip of her coffee and strode towards the nurses station. 

“Oh my god,” Morven was the first to see her and her words got Fletch and Raf’s attention. 

She found herself the center of it, like a bug under a microscope, she wasn’t sure what to expect from them. She had the horrible feeling that they would be angry at her, and if that was the case Bernie wouldn’t blame them. To her surprise Raf inclined his head a smile already tugging at his lips, Morven’s smile was blinding, and then there was Fletch, back on his feet, with his usual naughty glint in his eyes and pointing her straight towards the office. 

Bernie couldn’t help her smile, and with a nod and a quick, “Nice to be home,” she moved to the office door. 

Inside the click of the door closing alerted Serena to her presence, and suddenly Bernie was looking into the brown eyes that had haunted her dreams. Every emotion she felt for Serena-wonderful-beautiful-fearless-Serena crushed into her full force. Bernie felt the same rush of happiness from the car, _God I love her._ Bernie drinks her in, and felt more awake than she had in over a month. She looked her over, noting the newly trimmed hair, the small dangling gold earnings that Bernie loves, and the shirt she’s never seen before. Serena was stunning, no other word for it. 

Serena cleared her throat, making Bernie finally move to place the coffee on the desk, knowing she’d probably been staring at her for far too long. “Hello, Serena, thought you might need a coffee.” Bernie didn’t know what she expected, but the serious unmoved expression on Serena’s face wasn’t it. 

“Hello, Ms. Wolfe.”

The words hit her like a body blow, making her rock back on her heels. Bernie scrambled to center herself, feeling suddenly nauseous. 

Serena picked up the coffee and sipped at it sighing a little and Bernie felt the return of the ever present want and need that always surfaced around Serena. These feelings took a back seat as Serena gave her an almost cool look. 

“Sorry we can’t ease you back in, but there is a mountain of paperwork for the trauma unit, and patients to see, but I’m sure you won’t mind. You must be accustomed to pulling long shifts now, after all you did get the unit in Kiev up and running in under a month, I heard.” There was the tiniest catch to her voice, something not everyone would pick up on, but Bernie could hear the hurt loud and clear. She couldn’t help the guilt that surfaced at hearing it, nor the hope that there might still be a chance for them. 

That tiny ember of hope, made her move, propelling her towards Serena, reaching out to touch her only to stop at Serena’s unmistakable flinch. Serena pulled her hand away, shocking them both. 

The forceful, “Don’t,” so full of hurt and anger that it hung in the air between them has Bernie swallowing down a wave of panic. 

“Serena, please.” She pleaded. 

Serena stood and stalked towards her, stopping just shy of invading her personal space. “No don’t. Don’t, Bernie. I begged you to stay and you left. Humiliating me in front of everyone, and I had to walk around here being gossiped about and laughed at, either of which I wouldn't care about except that I couldn’t keep my head in the game. I wasn’t really here, Bernie, and I don’t appreciate being made less of a doctor. I don’t appreciate being exhausted all the time, because it took at least a full bottle of Shiraz for me to sleep, which meant waking to a hangover every morning. I don’t appreciate having my ability to take care of my patients, my staff, my ward, not to mention _your_ trauma bay impaired.” She took another step, close enough now for Bernie to smell the coffee on her breath and see the hard glint in her eyes. “So I am over it. I finally realized I am still Serena Campbell surgeon extraordinaire. I can still diagnose the trickiest of cases. I can still save lives in the knick of time, and still be the difference between someone being able to walk or losing their legs. Better still I found out I’m still a gorgeous woman, and I can still flirt my way into any bed I want, so just because you don’t want me doesn’t mean someone else won’t. That day I decided that if you don’t want to be here that is you lose not mine.” 

_Someone else’s bed_ , Bernie’s mind taunted her as she looks at Serena with wide horror filled eyes, because there is no way for her to hide this kind of pain. Serena didn’t owe her anything, Bernie knew that logically, but it still felt like a betrayal. She felt the sting of tears in her eyes, and there was no fighting it. 

“I am over it,” Serena continued, “but I need my co-lead, I need the trauma lead, my staff need you, Jason missed you, and I need my friend back. So, we will have to find a way to get back our friendship and that’s the best I can offer.” 

“Friends?” Bernie choked on the word, hating herself like never before. 

“ Just friends.” Serena said moving past her towards the door, but she stopped as Bernie felt the first tear fall. She stood next to her, pressed her lips to Bernie’s wet cheek, “I’m sorry.” She said and then she was gone. 

 

 

 


End file.
